April 25, 2006

This poem was sent to j by a friend who said that it had an uncanny resemblence to someone she knows.

She is the One

She steals the very last thought on my mind,and runs with the words I wanted to say.She reveals the very last thing I thought I'd find.She's so unexpected, and takes my breath away...She holds the key to everything that's mysterious,and she knows it's what keeps me up at night.She unfolds bit by bit, just to keep me curious...Yet she remains an angel in startled flight.She knows that her silence speaks soft like a whisper...Leaving chills down the center of my painted back.She grows in my thoughts to the point where I miss her.When she's gone I can almost taste the panic attack.She tries to open up what's locked deep within,and release the strains of past memories.She cries from the frustration of where she's been,and the sight of things that no one else sees.She needs to know that I am always here for her even though she never asked me for my help...She bleeds silently, weeping from being so unsureof her destiny or how she'll free herself...

Copyright ©2004 Michael Andreas Beckham

Sent by J

April 12, 2006

Well, today I am somewhat, unofficially older. I refuse to take responsibility for the age, but I do take responsibility for myself, and my actions..and with your knowing that I say...get ready for the rest of my life. I am not going to sit today, of all days, and sulk that I have no fucking family. I have two fantastic kids, and Man I absolutely adore, who seems to be not only my soulmate, but the best thing that has happened to me since my kids were born, and his wonderful son. I have my health, which fluctuates from time to time, but all in all life is great, spectacular even. So why am I writing this blog today, if what Iam about to do is not sulk. I am not sure really, I guess I just want to get a lot of my chest, so I do not have to carry it around all day. WHY WHY WHY do they insist on playing the victim? Why do they see my life as being theirs, and theirs to live as they see fit. I am me...for the first time in my life..fully, truly me, and they refuse to acknowledge that, refuse to be a part of it all. I hate them for what they have chosen to do to me...to leave me out of their messed up lives. I hate them for abandoning me at a time I needed them most. I hate them for pretending they are good parents, and that they have my best interests at heart. Its simply a sham, a lie that has been told over and over again, and I refuse to sit and listen to it any longer. Today I am allowing myself to move past this because I need to do it if I want to succeed. I know I can't get rid of them, and I know they, from time to time, will slip back into my existance, but I refuse to acknowledge the pain I feel because it is a pain that is foolish. The love was a myth for me, and now I see the pain in the same light. I am uncertain as to how I will accomplish this task I place before myself, but as so many have said, I can do anything. I believe that, I just wish I knew where to start. My children know that their grandparents, my parents are not nice people. They know they have not shared in my birthday for two years now...that hurts them, and I don't want my children seeing how it hurts me. This is for the best, for them, for me, for Master, and for our future. I wish there was a means of transportation that could take me away from all this hurt, and pain. I wish their was one word that I could whisper into their ears that could shed a little light for them that would dismiss them from my life. Parents....I refuse to be like them!!! I refuse to take on their beliefs and values, and their twisted ways. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I hate them. Move past it if you can I constantly tell myself. Not sleeping from time to time because they are in my mind. I'm not wondering how they are doing. I am not wondering if they are ill, or growing older. I am wondering if they ever think of me. If it hurts them to know they walked away. If it shatters their world to know they had one daughter, and only one who they could call j. I hate it when I'm sick that in my mind I call out for my mommy to take care of me. She was never there for me. She took on the responsibility, the role, but she was never truly there, not for me. She was there for herself, the recognition, the pat on the back for raising me. To everyone I was a great daughter. She talked me up to everyone, but in the shadows I was nothing, and never would be anything. I still hear the words, " you are nothing you will never be anything, and you will always need us". These are lies that I still believe from time to time. I am not sure why, perhaps it is because they were told to me so often. Perhaps it is because in my heart I know they are right, or perhaps it is because I know they are wrong. I know I will fight those haunting words til the day I die, but I will fight them as best I can. I will fight as I fight everything I've ever had. With the knowledge that I am and never will be anything like them. I made that promise to myself when I was young enough to know that it was wrong what they were saying to me, and I intend to keep that promise. For my sake, for my children's sake, and for the sake of my love for Master. Today I want to be free!!

Happy Birthday!

March 31, 2006

Words of Wisdom #6

There is a time to let things happen, and a time to make things happen, why not start right now, and begin what you always dreamed for yourself. Its never too late to begin that journey.

#7

The more often a man feels without acting, the less he'll be able to act. And in the long run, the less he'll be able to feel. - C.S. Lewis

#8

For all sad words of tongue and pen,The saddest are these, 'It might have been'.
- John Greenleaf Whittier

#9

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
- Carl Jung

#10

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, this time more wisely

March30, 2006

Words of Wisdom # 6

Only those who will risk going too far
can possibly find out how far one can go.

T.S Eliot

j

March 7, 2006

It's been a busy year so far. I'm on holidays this week and I have my son staying with me. Work is going well, a lot less stress since early January and I'm trying to reap the benifits of the reduced stress as long as I can. We (girly and I) went to a naughty pajama party on Friday, which was organized by our friend Jennifer at Libido Events. It was a good time!! They had a conference area rented in downtown Vancouver. There was 3 play rooms; one of which was a non impact room, ie} no heavy play; the second room was BDSM specific and offered a choice of some different equipment for binding , and or beating a willing victim. The third room was a sex room; five mattresses were set up on the floor with light sheers between each room for a shade of privacy. This room was for some of them a place where people could fuck to their hearts content. We chose a mattress in the middle of the floor and had some people watch us. A couple of guys got very close and one had to be asked to move away (voyeur activities were prohibited but it was difficult to enforce). All in all it was a fun evening as girly had a good size audience for her last orgasm and I actually got some congrats for her good time. (how's that for an ego boost!!).
We went fishing on Saturday, didn't get a bite, not even a mosquito bite but it was still a nice day. Sunday we went to the Outdoors Hunting and Fishing show in Abbotsford, where my son got very excited about falconry. In the evening when he phoned his mother I could hear her choke when we told herthat he wants a Harris Hawk (lol... mmmwwwwuuuuuuhhhhaaaaaaa) He's decided he wants to hunt with a hawk (and she's got cats). The saving grace is that he's only 9 and he has to be 18 to get a permit. I seem to have forgotten to tell her that (is that bad of me?...aw who cares if it is, it's fun). Honestly though he's excited about it. When I was in the Navy during the 80s I looked into it. We may have found a fellow who lives fairly close who will let us go out with him for a hunt. I figure once my son see's the prey up close he'll change his mind about hunting.
Went to Home Depot today to buy some paint and supplies, because only after 6 months girlie has decided to paint her kitchen and we have to prime it because she's going from a yellow to a red. We've got a fair amount of prep work to do, clean the wood from the last time we painted, as it seems we dripped or over painted a couple areas so it'll be a bit of work.
Anyway, that's about it. Things are good, girly's still a sweetheart, pretty as hell and eager to keep me happy, what more could I want?!

D

February 28, 2006

A wish is not a wish until it is shared, or communicated in some way, even if it is only for the heavens to hear.

My "wish" would be that my Master write in this blog, atleast once per week. This would allow him to expressing his feelings, his desires, and his struggles, making them known to me, even when it is not about me.

Sometimes we cannot speak loudly enough for everyone to hear. Sometimes we cannot speak loud enough for even the person who sits next to us to hear. And sometimes the person who listens to our every word,and sits by us daily just can't hear what is spoken.

Talk to me Master, and I will show you how well I can listen.

I love you Master

j

February 22, 2006

Words of Wisdom #5

With each error, each tragic mistake, each desperate plea for just one more chance, we learn who we are, what we can accept, what will effect us positively, what will effect us negatively. We learn about the depths of ourselves, what is in the heart of our hearts, and the deepest, darkest parts of our soul. We are learning about me, and you, and all those around us. We will survive...because we are feeling, and learning what it means to be human, and individual. I am grateful to learn, as you should be. Embrace it, and you'll see that life is never as bad as you think it is right this minute, and tomorrow is " just another day", of learning!

j